Another year has come and gone, taking with it the all but the memories that remain, the lessons learned. Reflecting on this year, collecting my thoughts around all that happened in the last twelve months, I find a recurring theme, a thread that held this year together: the profound deepening of relationships. I loved in a more true sense, was kinder to the people I care about, strengthened friendships and acknowledged that these are the things that matter. There was sadness in my life: two deaths. Huge, unexpected losses close to my family that made me realize how ever-changing, and sometimes unfair and sad this world can be. And in complete contrast, there were two births that brought so much joy into my life, two very special people born into this world whose lives intertwine with mine.

2011 was projected to be a down year in terms of notable experiences that directly affected me. (Observe what being an analyst has done to my brain). I wasn’t expecting 2011 to be a total drag, but 2010 was the year of my wedding, my youngest nephew’s birth, my first Christmas as a married woman, my first trip out of the country. It was the year I changed my name and took a bunch of adult steps like combining my car insurance with my husband’s and scheduling our dentist appointments together. I didn’t expect 2011 to be boring, just much less eventful in comparison. But what amazed me about 2011 was how not boring it turned out to be. Instead of being preoccupied in preparation of a huge upcoming event in my life, I was able to act as a support rail for my friends who were checking off their own major milestones. And in helping a friend prepare for the birth of her son, I realized how perfect she is for me, how her friendship is as permanent in my life as the striped paint on her nursery walls that took nearly 20 hours from concept to completion. I’ve been told, and I’ve since repeated, that you’re lucky to count your close friends on one hand. I’m lucky that this year, she became an addition to the people in my grasp, another person I’ll love for the rest of my life, a friend who will, she’ll find, never escape me.

Naylyn turned two this year. She also told me she loved me – first in sign language, and then with her words – via Skype. Sawyer learned that his favorite animal is a rhino, and then dressed as one for Halloween. Declan, much to the relief of everyone who knew him as an infant, has transformed into a smiley, cheerful baby who has a promising future as a member of the Geek Squad. He lights up a room just by being in it, and every time I look at his happy face, I’m reminded of how much I can learn from him. I first loved them by default, as the babies of my sisters, and now I love them in ways that are as different as the sounds of their laughs. But the love I have for them has changed; they’re growing to be such smart, kind people who make good choices and love wholeheartedly. And most of the time, they’re really good at sharing. Life skills have no price tag.

Patrick played the best golf he’s ever played in his life. Yet another successful season has proven that I’ll never stop being impressed by him. And through the hard work and stress and pain and tears in fighting his way to the top of this mean sport, he always finds time to take my breath away.

Kya turned seven. Seven. It’s exciting to me when babies get older because they become more interactive, more aware, but Kya’s reached an age that makes me want to freeze time forever. And every time I burrow my face into her neck, I think about how I’d trade the things I’m looking forward to in the future, the house and two-car garage and 2.5 children, if it meant I could live this life forever. Just us, Patrick and Kya and me, living in our apartment, driving my beat-up car and taking on the world. The black side of her split face has started growing white hairs. I tell her it makes her look more distinguished, but really it just makes me sad. I’m not sure I could ever explain the depth of my relationship with Kya, nor could I explain why my life wouldn’t make sense without her.

I dealt with a great amount of frustration this year. I have been sidestepping my dreams for years, pushing things to the back burner to instead focus my attention and effort on jobs to pay the bills. I switched companies this year and finally got out from under the boulder that seemed to have been crushing my chest for so long. I started walking with a mediocre amount of confidence in what I thought to be the right direction toward what I really want to be doing with my life, but I still seem to be circling the end goal. I have some personal goals in mind for 2012, projects I’d like to actually finish instead of quitting part way through to pursue other ventures. Being a type-A has been incredibly ungratifying in this sense. But I have my constant support system in my family, especially Patrick, and I have a newfound inspiration to write brought on by all of the incredibly talented women I met at BlogHer. I want to make this work. I want to be a blogger. I want to stop dreaming of what my life could be in the future and be present for my own experiences now. I suppose this is my new year’s resolution: stop living in the past or dreaming of the future; instead, just be here.

In 2011, I bought a new camera. I took more photos. It started to feel like work. I promised myself I wouldn’t pursue photography in a way that made me quickly tire of it. I got one of the best pep talks of my life that helped me come to terms with having to sell my car. Then I put a deposit down for a new car. I became even closer to Patrick’s family. I took a trip out West. Two, actually. I got an iPhone. I quit my job for something better. I met some of the best bloggers in the world. I discovered new music. I donated three garbage bags of old clothing I’ve been afraid to let go. I had a good heart-to-heart with my dad. I watched as Patrick taught Kya a new trick. She walks backwards now. I made guest appearances on two other blogs (here and here). I threw an amazing baby shower. I started missing my blonde hair. I had a fight with my sister I thought would mean the end of our friendship. I took niacin for my anxiety and depression. I showed up flushed to too many meetings and decided to stop taking it. I missed my mom more than ever. Turned 27. And almost cried about it. I started collecting baby clothes. Got a chia pet for my birthday. It’s a turtle. I started drinking wine. Found out I was gluten intolerant. Underwent eight more excruciating tattoo removal treatments. Slow danced with my husband in our kitchen. I spent a lot of nights curled up on the couch wishing I wasn’t depressed. I wrote in journals and jotted notes on post-its. I decided I wanted to write a children’s book. And change the world. I went through like 12 chapsticks. I cried. Hard. But laughed harder. And I learned that life goes on.

Goodbye, 2011. It was great year, but I think I can do better.

And in the case that my 2011 video is displeasing to you in any way, maybe this will satisfy you. Best video from 2011. Hands down.

Share and Enjoy