I changed my email signature today. I changed it for about the 19th time since I got married. It went from “Whitney Hoyt” to “Whitney Wilkes-Krier” to “Whitney (Hoyt) Wilkes-Krier” then back to “Whitney Wilkes-Krier” to “Whitney Hoyt WK” to “Whitney Hoyt Wilkes-Krier” and now I’ve come full circle. Today I changed my signature back to “Whitney Hoyt.”

I don’t know why I feel a bit as if losing my name means losing a piece of myself. When I look at “Hoyt” without “Wilkes-Krier,” I’m sad at the thought of not taking Patrick’s name. I’m not frustrated because of the pressure to go one way or another, in fact, I think I’m frustrated by the lack of pressure. No one is telling me to change my name, no one is telling me not to. What it comes down to is I have an extremely difficult time picking out clothes in the morning. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, right. I am not sure I’m physically capable of choosing one outfit to wear for the rest of my life.

I’ve taken it upon myself to coax people into making the decision for me by asking them why they chose to or chose not to change their names. And while I think that yes, in the case of a divorce it will be easier if I don’t have to worry about changing my name back, I’m not actually planning on getting a divorce, but thanks anyway. Also, I’m not worried about not having the same last name as my kids because I have no kids. And my dog has no last name. (No last name… this might be the best idea yet. Thanks, Kya No Last Name).

I’ve taken votes, polls, tabs, advice, suggestions and I can’t seem to come to a result that feels right. And when people ask, “Well, what does Patrick think?” The answer is NOTHING. I wish he felt strongly one way or another. I WISH it would hurt his feelings if I kept my own name. Because then at least I could drag my feet but feel as though he’s MAKING me. Like, “Yeah, I didn’t WANT to change my name, but my evil controlling husband absolutely MADE me. GARSH.”

My sister Ashley would say, “Make a list.” Because that’s what we do. Time to pack? Make a list. Doing chores? Make a list. Not sure whether you think someone is ugly or pretty because that outfit could go either way? Make a list. And in this case, Ashley would say, “For the side in favor of ‘Wilkes-Krier,’ add ‘Because having a different name than your husband is silly.’” And then I add “Because she thinks having a different name than my husband is silly” to the List of Reasons Why Ashley is Strange. Other items on the list include: “Hands are always exceedingly dry AND exceedingly clammy” and “Snorts when she laughs and sometimes when she’s not laughing.”

Ok, Ashley, let’s make a list. If I keep Hoyt, I get to keep my passport. The one that has my Costa Rica stamp. The one that has the ONLY stamp I’ve ever gotten. The one that is the ONLY passport I’ve ever owned. I also get to keep my social security card. The one that used to live in my mom’s filing cabinet in a file labeled “Whitney” where she also kept savings bonds that I got to deposit when I turned 21. On the other hand, I’ve already registered whitneywk@gmail.com, I like my “Whitney WK” signature better and so I sign it dozens of times every day for fun. Though this list really should be more like a Venn diagram because an argument in favor of “Hoyt Wilkes-Krier” would be that I’ve already ordered business cards that say “Whitney Hoyt Wilkes-Krier” and I’ll tell you, it might be a mouthful but that shit looks good on a business card.

So you see why I’m troubled? Because none of my arguments even matter. Because all of the reasons I can come up with are as lame as having three last names.

Internet, please make my decision for me. Thank you.

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